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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
Some days are just not meant to be productive.
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.