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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.