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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.