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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors