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Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.