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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!