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What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.