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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
Long story short, I love summaries
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.