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Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.