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I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.