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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
I just came online to check the weather. That was 12 years ago.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
My life is based on a true story
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.