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Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."