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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
So you`ll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year ... Your move Weight Watchers
I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I`m trying to update my e-harmony profile
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there