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And then her mood ring just...exploded
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance