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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life