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The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
I fake my LOLs
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?