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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.