Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I just made you think of an elephant
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
Save water, shower together.
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!