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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.