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My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
Sex, do it for the kids.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
My brain has too many tabs open.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.