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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.