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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.