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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.