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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
I`m just a boy...standing in front of a girl...asking her to lov.....aw who am I trying to fool. I just want in your pants.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.