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My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D