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If it requires pants, its not happening today.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
Is food porn star a thing yet??
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.