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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."