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Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.