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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.