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I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?