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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
Take me seriously at your own risk.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.