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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.