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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.