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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.