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There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?