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My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
Iām a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.