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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.