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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
The word bed looks like a bed.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when Iām done.