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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
If I truly posted what was on my mind ... I´d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."