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At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.