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If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.