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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
real eyes realize real lies
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."