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I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.