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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.