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Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Being human is expensive and exhausting.