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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.