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When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
Trouble is just fun you got caught having.
How`d this get posted?
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.