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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.