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why earn money when it comes easier when you just ask
I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.