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You`re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU`RE RICH
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.