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The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy