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Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.