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I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet to see which comes first. I`ll keep you posted.
Iām exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.