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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.