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You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile ?
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.