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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?