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Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, Iām coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
I just awesomed all over the place.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending Iām being possessed by the devil is not funny.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out