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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?