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When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
why does a round pizza comes in a square box?
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.