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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark