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I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!