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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.