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Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.