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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.