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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
when i was little my dad told me that the icecream man only played music when he ran out of icecream well played dad well played
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.