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This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.