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I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol