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Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.