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My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species