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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly
You had me at 0 mutual friends