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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
only 9530 days until retirement.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.