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Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
All milk is breast milk.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...