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Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.