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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Legally,It´s questionable. Morally,It´s disgusting. Personally,I like it.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.