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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
The term "I paid GOOD money for that!" is soo silly..Honestly, have you ever seen BAD money? NOT ME !!!
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.