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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
I`m not "rich" ... But, actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you`re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
It`s my birthday. Iām not just a year older, Iām also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.