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Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.