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life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.