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I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
" I don`t watch much tv" proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch