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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…