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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.