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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.