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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?