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Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.